So I subscribe to these emails from Tracy Anderson, a TRAINER TO THE STARS!!!! I don’t know why I signed up for them but they kind of crack me up. For example, one of her diets that she put Gwenyth Paltrow on to get ready for Iron Man 2 consisted basically of 100% kale – kale juice for breakfast, kale salad for lunch, and kale with kale for dinner. It always gives me a giggle.
Anyway, so I got this email last week about a four-day “nutrient boost” (she didn’t want to call it a “cleanse”), and it actually looked doable. Basically, you eat fruit, veggies, beans and the occasional salmon filet for four days and it’s supposed to make you feel fab.
Although honestly, the reason it stood out so much for me is you get to drink red wine every night! She says one glass, but I pshaw’ed that recommendation knowing that two glasses is twice the resveratrol (apparently that’s the good-for-you thing in red wine).
So, I got ready for action. You can view the four day menu here:
It’s really not a lot of food. Days one and four are better since you get oats for breakfast and salmon for dinner. But some of the stuff was so foreign to buy – actual oats, not microwaveable oatmeal? BARLEY (which I had to go to Whole Foods to get)? But I knew if I was going to drink wine and call it cleansing, I had to pony up. Here goes nothing.
I woke up ready to conquer the shit out of this nutrition boost. I cooked the oats and cut up some strawberries in them. I was prepared for them to taste terrible because I mistakenly bought some Kashi oatmeal once and it literally tasted like throwup. But oats taste great! The strawberries provided all the sweetness I needed and I was pleasantly surprised to find that I enjoyed the breakfast. Booya, health.
Leave it to me to falter in the second meal of the whole thing. I was really anxious about this green juice, made from kale, apples, cucumber and lemon. Also, I’d never had red cabbage before. I strolled to the Whole Foods across the street from work with my work husband, Charlie, and went to the produce section. Red cabbage looks…pretty disgusting. Spoiler alert: I still have the full head of cabbage in my fridge. So I go to their juicing section and ask for my fancy juice. Bonus of having a WF next to work: I don’t have to go through the process of blending the ingredients for 8 minutes and then straining. I gingerly take a sip and…it’s really not bad. I’ve learned to ask for more than just a “pinch” of lemon and that makes it even better. Owned it! ……errr, not so fast. I’m also supposed to have a red cabbage salad with walnuts and cucumber. I just can’t bring myself to eat the red cabbage, so I just eat the walnuts and cucumber. Half-fail.
For dinner, I pan cook a salmon filet and squeeze a bit of lemon over it, and steam brussels sprouts. I bought both the microwave-ready kind and raw, and just used the microwave ones. I didn’t feel like going through the whole brussels sprouts process only to overcook them like I know I would have. Plus, I want to save the real ones for when I can make them with butter and bacon and….mmmm…bacon…..ugh nutrition boost.
Anyway, the salmon was delicious and made me rethink how much salt and butter I put on food. Plus I had 1 + 1 + .5 glasses of wine.
Total caloric intake: 1,665
I run, I take a shower, I eat my strawberries and blueberries (no pomegranate…where the heck to you even get it??), and I sort of get to work on time. Then work threw me a curveball and I’m dealing with stupid questions, grumpy reps and just a lot, a LOT of preventable work. I also have a client meeting from 6:30 – 7:30pm so I already know I’m staying extra late. I’m pissy all day.
What is not helping is that I have to eat a pinto bean salad for lunch. Like I said, the green juice is growing on me and I sip that shit like it’s my job. This pinto bean salad though…the artichoke hearts are a little too tart from the juice they’re sitting in, the tomato is stupid, and although it fills me up, the lameness of the “lunch” just pisses me off. Then I work for seven more hours.
As I’m sitting at my desk trying not to burst into inappropriate tears (and before you ask, yes, I’ve delineated “appropriate” versus “inappropriate” tears for the workplace), I already know that tonight’s one glass of wine will be more like three…or four…
I come home and try to look as pitiful as possible while making my stupid edamame salad. I cook the barley (again, not as bad as I was anticipating), mix it with the edamame, tomatoes and spinach, and try to choke it down. I get about 5 bites in and I am REALLY nauseous. I give up and just drink for the rest of the night. It was such a bad day that the wine doesn’t really affect me so I just drank a ton. YAY RESVERATROL!!!
Total caloric intake: 1,200
Totally hungover. Whoops.
I have pineapple and an orange for breakfast. I have a newfound motivation to finish this…
…but then I check what’s for lunch and I’m supposed to have a basil salad. Not a salad with basil, but a BASIL SALAD. My stomach rejects the idea of eating basil, red cabbage (nooooo!), dill weed and parsley. DO NOT WANT. So I have two strips of grilled chicken, a spoonful of guacamole, and a heaping iceberg salad with corn and black beans (no dressing). Don’t forget my now-delicious green juice! Suck it, basil salad!
I am rejuvenated for dinner and prepare it with vigor, even though Mike’s in the kitchen too, reheating this freaking fantastic pasta from Eatzi’s with lots of cream, bacon, and other delicious items. I have black beans with tomatoes (cut better than the pinto bean fiasco), avocado (YUM), and artichoke hearts (still acidic). I eat most of it. I can tell you one thing, eating meals you don’t necessarily want sure regulates the actual intake.
Total caloric intake: 1,198
I wake up excited to have oats again, this time with pumpkin. For some reason I can’t quite explain since I’ve never eaten straight pumpkin from a can, I think it’s going to taste just like pumpkin pie and after I cook my oats, I spoon a heaping pile of pumpkin on top. And then I mix it around and take a bite.
Remember that Kashi fiasco from earlier? This is about the same. I grab an orange and call it a breakfast.
For lunch, since I barely had any breakfast, I made the oats again but with strawberries since I knew that tasted good. Then I had my allotted lunch – apple with peanut butter. I skipped the green juice because I didn’t have time to run to WF, and because I basically had breakfast and dinner in one meal and the green juice probably would have put me over the edge.
Dinner was salmon again – yay! Shannon loves salmon. Except…except Mike comes home with Manny’s for himself, aka our favorite tex-mex place. Sob. So in revolt I make a psuedo-guacamole to go as a topping over my salmon – one avocado, 1/4 diced tomato, a tiny bit of red onion and jalapeno and a squirt of lemon juice. My justification – absolutely no salt. So I eat that for dinner and am pleased with myself. (Don’t forget about the requisite glass of red wine – I sure didn’t!)
Total calorie intake: 1,577
- I weighed myself on the morning of the fourth day and I lost about 4 pounds. Although I really only lost two, since I gorged on Sunday before weighing myself because I knew I was going to be eating rabbit food for four days.
- All in all, I didn’t really see a change to my body or my energy level (except that my hangover magically disappeared around 10am instead of lingering). I did get a healthy respect for different foods and it did make my Friday morning Chick-fil-A breakfast biscuit a little tougher to handle. I also realized how much salt and sugar I can eliminate from my diet and still like (most) of the food I eat.
- I think I’m going to try to eat 4-5 meals per week on that healthier scale.
- But not all day every day, since all that does is make me think nonstop about Domino’s Pizza.